I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I will be naked everywhere
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
