just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
