My hand turned me down
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
