The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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