We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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