they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
