I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
