Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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