I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
