just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
