My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He did a backflip because drugs
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
