My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
