My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
