There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
