I was born with a shot glass in my hand
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
