we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
