I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
