Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
