Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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