You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
