I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Is Oprah even human
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
