I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
