I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
