Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
