There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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