You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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