The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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