Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
