some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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