Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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