When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
That accounts for only three of the penises
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
