You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
