he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
