When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
