24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Randomize
