This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
