i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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