how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
