Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
