I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
