remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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