so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
