____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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