dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
