You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
