Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
