I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
