apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
