My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
