forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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